"Dad Jokes"

[classwife]

Where do boats go when they're sick?


To the boat dock

 

[bobsyeruncle]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

 

[ShowMeTwice]

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?




Because the 'P' is silent.

 

[ShowMeTwice]

I like telling Dad jokes.




Sometimes he laughs!

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Do you know the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

 

[retired1]

I'm afraid for the calendar.






It's days are numbered.

 

[DavidOck]

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.

The cashier said never mind.

 

[classwife]

What did one wall say to the other?




I'll meet you at the corner

 

[ShowMeTwice]

Where do young trees go to learn?




Elementree school.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.

 

[ShowMeTwice]

Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii?




They only permit a-low-ha.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

 

[ShowMeTwice]

RIP, boiling water.




You will be mist.

 

[ShowMeTwice]

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?




Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

 

[DavidOck]

What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.

 

[ShowMeTwice]

What has more letters than the alphabet?




The post office!

 

[classwife]

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?





A meltdown

 

[bobsyeruncle]

I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding 32 old guys.

 

[SilverBear]

Why did the cowboy name his horse "Mayo"?

Because Mayo neighs.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.