Tell us a joke

[bobsyeruncle]

Fine Restaurant
---------------

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

 

[caffeinated]

A little NFL humor...

Q: How do you say "Tony Romo" in Spanish?

A: Mark Sanchez

 

[bobsyeruncle]

So, in hockey that would be Roberto Luongo?

 

[bobsyeruncle]

geek joke:

Q: What goes "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A: A parroty error.

 

[caffeinated]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her boring sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat. ..."

He never heard the gunshot .

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Did you know ........ is hereditary?
Yep, it runs in your genes.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. "You gotta pass my test first", he told the applicant. "Here's your first question: Without using numbers represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks.

"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"

"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"

The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd, and dat make one 'undred."

"So when do I start work?"

 

[bobsyeruncle]

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death in Versailles, France. They are to be executed by guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop ... but it sticks about 6 inches above the small damp hairs on his trembling neck.

"Sacre bleu!", cries the executioner. The rule in capital punishment is that if the execution apparatus fails for any reason, this is interpreted as a sign from God and the death sentence is commuted. The doctor walks away, dumbstruck at his good fortune.

The lawyer is next. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, lets it drop ... and it sticks in the exact same spot.

"Mon Dieu!" cries the executioner and frees him, also.

The engineer is last. The executioner straps him down, as he hoists the blade aloft, the engineer twists his neck around, peers up at the blade, and says, "You know, I think I see your trouble right there..."

 

[bobsyeruncle]

How do you tell an extroverted engineer from an introvert?
An extrovert engineer will look at your shoes when he talks to you.

 

[caffeinated]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they happen upon an antique oil lamp. They rub the lamp, and out pops a Genie.

The Genie says, “Since there are three of you, I'll grant you each just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!”

And poof! She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a personal masseuse, an endless supply of Piña Coladas, and the love of my life.”

And poof! He's gone.

“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

 

[bobsyeruncle]

A few more geek jokes:

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

With one foot in a bucket of ice water, and one foot in a bucket of boiling water, you are, on the average, comfortable.

People say that if you play Microsoft CD's backwards, you hear satanic things. That's nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Win·dows
Noun.
A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Ascii to ascii, Dos to Dos...

Ascii stupid question, get a stupid Ansi?

Who was the first computer technician?
Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

My license plate is "RM -RF *"
I was once asked if I wasn't worried about being wiped out.
I explained that I backup in my driveway every morning.

+++

There is an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son.

Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion of the nine month interval.

All of which proves the old theorem that: The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

+++

There was a programmer named Gus
Who spent all his nights in a fuss.
As he lay in his bed
All that went through his head
Was (while !asleep()) sheep++;

+++

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer are discussing God.

The MechE says, "God must be a mechanical engineer! Look at the bones and muscles of the human body! It is a marvelous machine!"

The EE says, "No! God is an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system. It is a miraculous electrical computing system!."

The CivE says, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste facility next to an entertainment complex?"

+++

In maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
Therefore, 1337 = 14
So anyone who speaks 1337 is 14

Valentine's day is coming up:

roses are red
violets are blue
all of my base
are belong to you

 

[bobsyeruncle]

One day an engineer finds himself at the gates of hell. The Devil takes a look at him and says, "Well, we've never had an engineer in hell before, but I guess we can take you in." The engineer goes in.

After a few days, he comes up to the Devil and says, "I'm sure you've noticed, but it's really hot down here! What do you think of setting up a couple of refrigeration coils, getting an icebox set up so we could have iced drinks down here?"

The Devil hears this and says, "Why not? If you can set it up, go for it!"

The engineer gets some tools together, works for a little bit, and sets up his little ice cube maker, and soon the engineer, the Devil, and everyone else is enjoying ice cubes in their drinks, and everyone thinks it's a great improvement.

A couple of days later, the engineer comes back to the Devil and says, "Well, I'm impressed by how big Hell is - there are so many people here! But it takes so long to get from place to place - how about I install some people-movers? I can put in escalators, elevators, moving ramps, the works!"

The Devil takes a sip of his ice cappuccino, and says, "Sure, give it a shot."

As the engineer works, the souls in Hell start getting around easier - there are elevators, escalators, all sorts of people-movers! It gets to be quite convenient to get around Hell.

After that project, the engineer comes up to the Devil and says, "I've been thinking about tackling the heat down here. Ice drinks are all well and good, but it's still bloody hot! How about it?"

The Devil at this point returns, "Anything you need, you got it!"

Two weeks later, the first stage of the cooling system goes on-line, and all the damned souls breath a sigh of relief as the heat wave finally breaks.

At this point, God comes down to talk to the Devil, and tells him there's been a mistake: "That engineer you've got doesn't belong in Hell. He was meant for Heaven!"

The Devil, however, isn't about to let his first engineer go. He returns, "Oh, come on - once he's in those gates, he's mine! That's the way it works, and you know it!"

God tells him, "Well, you're just gonna have to return him! If you don't, I'll sue!"

The Devil smiles and asks, "Now, where are you going to find a lawyer in heaven?"

 

[caffeinated]

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Even if I stretch reality and force "file" into two syllables, line two is one syllable shy of a properly functioning haiku.

FWIW, the rest of the jokes were mostly pretty good.

 

[Doglips]

I tell people I like my coffee like my wife.
Cold and Bitter.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

The windows haiku
was presented as written.
I am dissapoint.

 

[caffeinated]

Confucius say...

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who keep both feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who live in glass house should have sex in basement.
Cross eyed teacher cannot control pupils.
Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who fart in church sit in his own pew.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

I like my women like I like my filesystems? FAT and 32.

 

[Doglips]

When Im checking out of a store and the clerk says Have a nice day...I usaly respond. I cant Im married

Sometimes when Im at a store and they ask "Do you want a bag?" I just look at them and ask "of what?"....that usaly confuses the clerk.

The other day my wife's cell phone rang I picked it up...said how would I know the beach is 20 miles from me....my wife ask who it was, I said some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear.

My daughter asked my wife, what is the fastest way to a mans hart? My wifes answer...and 12" knife thought the chest.

 

[Doglips]

found this online..I thought it was funny.

 

[caffeinated]

Did you hear about that one species of frogs that were dying off?

There was something in the water that prevented them from reproducing. The males kept on trying, but they kept on slipping off the females' backs and couldn't get a good grip. Some scientists were able to develop a solution to add to the lake that contained one part table salt that allowed them make sweet, sweet, frog love.

Yup, that's right, they needed mono-sodium glue to mate!