VaporJunction LEO Giveaway 2 - Post your favorite Joke - Win a Silver LEO

[RippleInStillWater]

A couple was celebrating seventy five years of marriage with only one argument so the local newspaper sent a reporter to get this miraculous story from them. After the reporter arrived at their mountain home, he asked the wife, "What is the secret to such a long marriage without any conflicts?" She replied, "Well let me tell you, when we got married it we didn't have a car and noone to borrow one from so my husband used his horse-drawn carriage. As we climbed up into the mountains, enjoyng our first ride as man and wife, the horse stumbled, and my husband said 'That's One'. I thought that was curious but I payed it no mind and we continued on our happy journey to our honeymoon cabin. Then the horse stumbled again and my husband muttered, 'That's Two'. I asked him why he was counting the number of times the horse stumbled but he told me to pay no never-mind, its no big deal. We once again were proceeding on our joyous trip and nearing the cabin when the horse stumbled a third time. My husband said to the horse 'I gave you warning', took out his rifle from the back of the carriage, and shot the horse dead. I was horrified at this! I yelled at him both for killing the poor animal and wasting the money from the value of the horse. He turned to look at me and said 'That's One'. We haven't had another argument since!"

I went clean for once!!!

 

[Jetmec]

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

[datacreek]

This old story out of Texas. ----

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

 

[musiceqlslife21]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

 

[kuya0meng]

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

“You .......,” the man says,” my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
LOL!

 

[IndustrialAction]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large , trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig 8-o.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly , as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says ," I didn't think you'd CRY, "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said .
"I'm a complete failure . I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me . When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen . Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home . I found my old lady in bed with the gardener , and then my dog bit me ."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve . Then you, you jack-..., show up and drink the whole thing…

But enough about me, how's your day going ?"

 

[CarrieM]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ..'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many

customers bought something from you today?'The kid says, 'One.' The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30

customers a day. How much was the sale for?'The kid says, $101,237.65.'The boss says, $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I

sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to

need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda

Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

 

[Caexars]

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"To..."

"To who?"

"To 'whom', surely!"

Ino it's an eyeroll and it's lame, but it's the only clean joke I can think of -snort-

 

[bjannr]

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

An onion with long ears,

OR

A piece of ... that will bring tears to your eyes.

 

[AliceMalice]

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Fun contest idea, Thanks!

 

[poundpuppiesrock]

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?



So he could run his fingers through his hair

 

[MuddyWaterMan]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said. "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman"

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"Do you mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to see my House from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the Direction of is house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor In there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The wench!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

 

[spacekitty]

NOTE: I couldn't edit my first post, so I guess this one doesn't count, but I just HAD to post it anyway (at the risk of being too risque...LOL!!)


A Short Romantic Story

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."



(This was sent to me in an email by a friend's 89 yr. old Mother!!!)

 

[0smitty]

OK, here's my favorite:

A kindergarten teacher is having some issues getting her young pupils to understand their ABC's and decided to take the "reward approach" to learning. She goes to the store and purchases a large bag of Hershey's Kisses candies and decides that each child who can correctly answer questions about their ABC's will be rewarded with some candy.

During the next day of class, she asks Little Debbie (no pun intended) a question: "What letter comes after M?". Little Debbie thinks about it for a second and answers "I know! N!". The teacher congratulates her and tells her to open her mouth as she unwraps the candy behind her back. As she places the candy in her mouth, the teacher tells the class "I'll give a piece of candy to the next one of you who can tell me what I'm giving Little Debbie. Here's a hint: your daddy asks your mommy for one every morning before he leaves for work."

Within a fraction of a second, Little Johnny jumps out of his seat and blurts "NOOOOOOOOOO DEBBIE, DON'T EAT IT!!! IT'S A PIECE OF ...!!!!!!"

 

[VeeDubb65]

An elderly couple in their late 90's make an appointment and go to see a lawyer one day.

Lawyer: How can I help you folks today?

Wife: Well, we've been married for 67 years, and we'd like some help making a few arrangements.

Lawyer: Ah, a will?

Husband: What kind of irresponsible whipper snapper do you think I am? I've had our wills all laid out for decades.

Lawyer: Of course, of course. My apologies. So, litigation of some kind?

Husband: No, no. Nothing like that. If I have a problem with somebody, I just come right out with it.

Lawyer: Well then sir, what exactly can I do for you and your wife today?

Husband: We'd like a divorce.

After recovering from the shock...

Layer: Well, I can certainly help you both with that, but I have to ask, why would you want to get a divorce after being married 67 years?

Husband: After 67 years? I asked for a divorce after 6 years!

Wife: That's right, but I insisted we wait until the children were dead.

 

[SmokingBullet]

Warning....this joke may not be suitable for all ages

“Dad, dad, I’m 3 years old, can I have a tricycle, come on dad, can I, can I?”
“Can your peter reach your ....... son?”
“No”
“Dad, dad, I’m 13 now, can I have a 10 speed, come on dad, buy me a 10 speed.”
“Can your peter reach your ....... yet son?”
“No”
“Dad, dude, I’m 18 and I wanta Porsche, get me a Porsche dad, come on dad, buy me one.”
“Can your peter reach your ....... son?”
“Ha yeah dad, it can now”
“Good go .... yourself”

 

[G_Momma_12]

Where do you take a cow on Saturday night?



To the mooooooovies!!

(Compliments of my 6 year old daughter!) tee hee hee!

 

[Hrtbrkr1965]

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

 

[drum747]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

badump bum!

 

[capecodjim]

A guy and a boy are out walking in the woods and it's starting to get dark.

The boy says "hey mister, I'm scared"

The guy replies "you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone".....

.....................................

I went to my doctor and he said I had to stop .........ing....

I asked why.... he said "I'm not through with your exam yet"

......................................

A guy met a cute girl and asked her name. She said "my friends call me Carmen".

He said "that's a nice name, how'd you get it?"

She replied that she likes cars and she likes men so her friends nicknamed her Carmen. She then asked his name...

He said "you can call me Beerboobs, nice to meet you!"