Little Vent

[Katattack]

I blew my lid. I was a bad mom and called my ex a bad name to my kids.
Once again it got back to me (thru the kids just choosing to tell me) that he blames me and my household for the girls having had colds and my eldest having a case of ringworm. Once again hubby and I are portrayed as dirty irresponsible people. This isn't the case at all and the ex hasn't even ever been in my home to know diddly-squat. He does know that I keep my house cleaner and more sanitized than his but that's not what it's about (logic would tell you that usually kids get sick from other kids at school...or even him and his household). I know he just wants to convince the girls that I/hubby/our household is BAD BAD BAD. For 5 years I've put up with this (since we split up and since getting remarried) and I simply told the girls "no, that's not the case sweetie(s)" calmly and without saying bad things about him. Heck, when my eldest caught him smoking pot and tells me about the drinking he does I don't demonize him...I talk directly to him. So, today I finally just snapped. Yeah, I do think he pushed me to be angry but *I* chose to call him a name within the girls' earshot.

I feel angry and guilty at the same time. I just wish he'd let me run my house the way I see fit and if sees problems talk to ME not the kiddos. I wish I hadn't let myself snap, I wish I were a better person and no so...human.

 

[MeMa]

awwww! don't feel bad for being human! sometimes the kids need to know your opinion of the ex, otherwise they will think he's wonderful.

 

[Mary Kay]

The kids will get over it. Just talk to them about losing your cool. But don't take it back! They need to understand that it makes people mad when other people put them down. They may even find it in them selves to not ever hurt others like that.
My ex was a doodyhead too. I never put him down and tried to be a lady..unlike the the doody head and his parade of doody headed wives!
The kids finally saw through him and came home to tell me so!
Keep on keeping on and trust your children to live up to how you raised them.

 

[MsSki]

Your not a bad person. Just remember to count to ten and remember his opinion dosnt count.
Tara

 

[MacArthurBug]

Aww! You're human. Your kids know that. It sounds like you're doing really good turning the other cheek in this hard situation. I'm lucky enough (sorta) That Elder daughters bio dad stepped compleatly out of the picture.

 

[Katattack]

Thanks gals. Yeah I told the girlies that I had lost my cool in the way that someone being picked on eventually can't take it. I told them that it does NOT make it okay for me to have said what I said to them because he is their dad and loves him and that anything negative I feel about him or anything he does should not be said in front of them. I apologized and told them that if they ever felt I was putting their dad down even accidentally they should let me know so I can be aware and talk to them about it. I do have great kids I just want to be the woman I want them to grow up to be.

 

[dawgcrazy]

Thanks gals. Yeah I told the girlies that I had lost my cool in the way that someone being picked on eventually can't take it. I told them that it does NOT make it okay for me to have said what I said to them because he is their dad and loves him and that anything negative I feel about him or anything he does should not be said in front of them. I apologized and told them that if they ever felt I was putting their dad down even accidentally they should let me know so I can be aware and talk to them about it. I do have great kids I just want to be the woman I want them to grow up to be.

They will grow up just fine. You calling him a bad name once, will not turn them into evil, men hating monsters LOL!
I've tried to be like you and keep my cool most of the time but dang...I've put up with 17 years of a mostly "absent father" who only sticks his nose in when it's convenient for him to do so...so I have let my tongue slip a few times.

However, at 17 years old, my son also feels the same way about his father as I do...mostly. The difference is, he DOES still love him, cuz it's his dad and all but...he'll tell you himself that his dad is a giant jack ...!

I've been the nicest ex wife too, even through all of his crap...his 2nd ex wife is MEAN, yet I am the one who catches all his crap for some reason. You would think after all this time, he would know he can't win with me, so why bother...? I honestly think he just gets bored or something sometimes LOL!

I've never kept my son away from him, never made him follow the visitation guidelines...always told him he can have him anytime he wants him with 24 hours notice as long as we don't have any plans, etc... of course in 17 years, he's never taken advantage of that but...

His dad lives in town...I don't. I have custody. He (because I let him, cuz I'm nice like that) rides the school bus to his dad's/grandma/great-grandma's (yeah, they all live together cuz he can't take care of himself LOL!) on Friday's and then rides the bus back here on Monday, that way he can spend the weekends in town with his friends. Well, last week and the week before, we got BIG SNOW and he was stuck at his dad's for 2 weeks. Ding dong calls here one day while I am still sleeping, the message on my machine says, "you've reached Cathy and J, blah blah...." and he says "yeah, Cathy and J...that's real cute..he lives at MY house! Anyway, he needs a cooling pad and a printer for his laptop, he needs it for school, you get a check for him every month and you need to spend it on him".

He's lucky I wasn't up to receive that call and he's lucky I can't reach thru the phone and grab him LOL!

One more year....one more year...one more year LOL!

 

[HzG8rGrl]

Your response has opened a new communication for your girls. Let them know that when they feel the need to vent, you will always be there. You will not judge them on the venting process but, will hear them and help to understand where the anger or hurt lies within the venting. Is it a personal feeling, is it just protection of another or is it moral. Something wonderful can come from this exchange, a mother child connection that can be formed no other way than truth and trust just between you and your child. Take advantage of this opportunity and bond like no other!!!!!!! Love your children like no else and they will love you like no one else.

 

[Katattack]

I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right. They're reaching the age where communication often starts to break down and if I can prevent that it would be good for all of us.

 

[Mary Kay]

You will always do right by your kids when you talk to them..about nothing and about everything. Listen when they want to talk. use every chance you get for life lessons. believe it or not, they absorb it all!

 

[mixxy]

I had to deal with an ex while we finished raising our 2 kids (age 13 & 10 when we divorced.) It takes the patience of a saint sometimes to deal with ex's and keep our cool! 8-o I don't think I ever truly felt "divorced" from him until both kids were grown and gone!

 

[Metstoo]

I admire you for making a great effort not to demonize your kid's father! I see many divorced people making the mistake of telling their kids awful things about each other and it's just not fair to the kids.

I suspect that one of the greatest lessons a person can learn about other people is that EVERYONE does stupid stuff or behaves badly from time to time (some more than others!) and that's not good but it does NOT necessarily make that person STUPID or BAD. It may be important to let your kids know when you or your ex have behaved badly so they can learn from it but it's not a good idea to keep telling them what an idiot he is. They'll eventually grow up and decide for themselves.

 

[thelook]

Coming from a Mom of 6....everyone has given you great advice.
I know it is of little comfort now, but remember, as they get older they will be able to SEE for thierselfs the truth. And believe me honey they will.
I also went through this is a way, and as my kiddos got older they were able to see what was really going on.
The sad thing is that when they realize what Dad is doing they will resent him and his actions towards Mom.
And the slip of the tongue? Are you human? Yes you are, dont beat yourself up too much about it. Just remember it and use the feeling you have about your mistake in the future, so you are careful not to do it again. Always be the bigger person.
And if you slip up again, make sure you call him a dirty word for me too!!!!!!!

 

[Mary Kay]

My ex is still trying to make up with my kids. My kids will be 39 and 40 this year! They are nice to him and even see him once in a while (he lives in another state) But they don't go out of their way. He just wasn't there for them as children..he was too busy with 4 more wives and 6 more kids and a Military career. He volunteered for 5 overseas assignments in 21 years.
But he has yet to meet his youngest grandson and has only seen his older grandson once. The older one was 5 at the time and when he got back from va. asked me who's grandpa was that Grandpa Guy?

My husband who has helped raise them from the ages of 4 and 5..has always been 'Dad".

Somewhere along the line Mike went from being a stepdad to being their dad. When they refer to my ex, he is ""my father" or called by his first name. It's kind of sad really, but he made his own bed.