How to get a 23 year old child to move out ????

[Big Hitter]

Anyone know any tricks ??

Seriously this is getting ridiculous my youngest son has left the house 3 times and keeps coming back. My wife and I disagree on the lengths we should go to for him to leave for good.

It wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated having a place to come home to, but he's just an ....
Eating all our food and spending his meager pay check on going out.

I just changed the password on our wireless internet and made the network un-discoverable.
Since he spends 15 hours a day on there I hope that motivates him to move along again.

I don't want to sound cold, but you would really have to spend some time with him to understand what we are going through. Sadly it only takes about 5 minutes with him to understand why he can't keep a job or any friends to help him out. He's is one walking bad attitude. He won't even apply for a job he thinks is "beneath" him. He has been in the workforce for 6 years and has had at least 35 jobs .... I'm not making this up. He's had more than 20 jobs that didn't last 15 days!!

Oddly though, of all the jobs he has lost not one of them has been "his fault"
Amazing huh, actually nothing bad that has happened to him has ever been his fault in his mind.


WTF. I'm 44 and have only had 3 different jobs my whole life. And I've never been fired from any of them.

He even tried the army 2 years ago. They kicked him out. His CO called us on the phone and talked to me for a bit before they sent him packing. He told me he had serious issues and needed to work on his anger management and impulse control .... DUH ... that why we sent him into the Army to straighten him out.

Sorry to rant so early in the morning ..... But I'm loosing it here. If he doesn't find a way to leave soon I might have to.

 

[lostknitter]

I wish I had some advice for you, unfortunately, all I can do is say I understand. My son went thru a period where he was a jerk. I loved him, but he was still a jerk. He snapped out of it, I don't know how/why, but he did. I do believe that you have to give your children care, help and love, but there also have to be boundaries and rules. I don't believe that it helps them to fix every bad thing that happens to them, no matter how much we may want to. They have to grow up sometime. Has he ever had counseling or anger management sessions? Is that even a possibility? Does he have siblings who might be able to talk to him?

 

[wizard10000]

I've raised three kids who are now 35, 30 and 28.

I think the first thing that absolutely has to happen is that you and Mom need to be on the same page when it comes to dealing with the kid - although I love my children I didn't marry them and will not allow a child to come between me and the spousal unit. Without buy-in from the missus there's really no point I can see in taking a stand.

The 30-year old fell on hard times about a year and a half ago and moved back in with us for a few months. We made it clear that we expected him to be up on his feet and out of the house in three months - after about two days of job searching he decided he'd earned a break from looking for work.

We bought him a bus pass and an alarm clock and I told him he was expected to be out of the house and looking for work between 9am and 4pm Monday through Friday. The first two days we had to wake him up about a half hour before he was to be out the door but we did run him out of the house every day - took him less than a week to find a job.

We charged him half his take-home pay for room and board and yeah, he was expected to show check stubs. An adult child living in my house gets to live by my rules and it really doesn't matter how he feels about them - if he doesn't like the rules he's free to make other living arrangements

I didn't tell him at the time, but we matched his contributions and put them in the bank - once there was a couple thousand bucks in there we told him how much cash was available and helped him look for an apartment. He elected to move in with a friend instead, so we gave him the fundage and made it clear that our assistance was pretty much a one-shot deal and that he needed to sink or swim from that point.

I love all my children and will help any of them all I can - but that means I'll help them, not do the work for them.

 

[dopeh]

I feel you BH. I had a very bad attitude as a teen, spilling into my 20s. I snapped out of it on my own, but had been living/working on my own since 18. I totally agree with locking out the network, I would also lock the pantry - you need to stay here, son? Fine, 3 hots and a cot, no more no less.

One of my sisters broke up with her fiancee, moved back with my parents, and now lives on her own - but my folks subsidize her rent, pay for her car, gas, and lots of other stuff. I totally disagree with this approach, and rightly so as it's been a couple years and nothing is changing. In fact, she has become accustomed to getting her way for free, and now has the sh!ttiest disposition imaginable. She's 29

My advice is to love him, take him in if he needs it, but any and all "extras" or "luxuries" should NOT be included imo. Also part of his paychecks should go to you if he's staying there, even if you don't use it, like wizard has done. It's about teaching responsibility and the value of money. When I moved out at 18, I got nothing from anyone. By 25 I had more than my parents, now I'm 36 and married with kids, and my parents come to me for help, not the other way around.

So there's hope brother, but freebies and coddling only bring dependance and weakness, glad to see you already know that

 

[want to quit]

Let me give you my point of view on this one. I myself moved out when I was 23 due to college I just could not afford a place on my own. At one point in time my father and I were fighting daily and I mean fighting not arguing it was fighting. About what? nothing really it just did not work out anymore we fought over every lil thing it was a nightmare. I got lucky and graduated so I was able to move out but if your son has a job tell him you have to move out and we support you in the next idk 2-3 month if you need help. If he knows you help him here and there for a couple of month he learns to be by himself but still knows he has protection from his parents. Yes you may think "wtf I don't want to support him any longer" however, better you supporting him if he needs your help than him eating your food and being an ... for another 5 month in your house.

Since I had a similar situation and was an ... myself and did not value what my parents did for me I highly recommend you to search for a place with your son because it will most likely not get better if he stays with you.

Just my opinion.

 

[DMF]

wow! Someone cloned my son and planted him in your house! Only difference is 6 years in the Navy, and not fired *yet* just "laid off" and his "break from finding a job" has turned into a career, which includes many hours of online xbox gaming... (oh ya, and he brought his giant dog with him...)


Wizard! WOW can you come here and teach a camp for me? Hubby needs to hear that it IS possible!

 

[moonsbabe]

I have a 21 year old son that can't seem to find a job. He is living with friends right now, I assume. The first time he came back he would stay on the computer forever. So I turned the WIFI off and told him it died. Then he would just use the phone and call a girl in Cali. I had the phone shut off (we have cellphones so who needs the house phone). He was gone in two days! I love him very much but he is 21 and a man. I have done my job raising kids. He is the youngest of 5. Now it is my turn for me!

 

[Beans]

Sorry for the tough situation your in. Honestly I have no children, (Meaning I should keep my yap shut) but a mother who sounds much like your son. I have had to go through this myself with her and frankly I no longer care. I'd say give him ONE last chance and if he fails he's out on his ..... My mother has NEVER learned. Her parents cared for her and paid her rent well into her forties and gave her cars and cash to boot. But she never learned to take responsibility for her actions. Her bosses have been "mean" and unjustly fired her 30+ time the last 40 years. She had no hand in raising me, yet she thinks I should be her new ATM which I won't.

I know it may sound mean to turn your back on him, but if you don't he will Never learn to be self-sufficient. Nor know how to land on his feet when times are hard. You have done your job and he is an adult now. He has to grow up and should he choose not to......It's no ones fault but his.

Good luck!

 

[Chornbro]

What sort of problems does he have? Alcohol/drugs/gambling? Behavioral stuff? Anger? Emotional disorder?

Underlying conditions like those need to be handled before anything else is really possible.

 

[wizard10000]

Wizard! WOW can you come here and teach a camp for me? Hubby needs to hear that it IS possible!

To be honest this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Nobody wants to ride an adult child that hard and it used to grind on me that I had to take the hard line in the first place - people (especially my children) should do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do. We would have put him on the street if he didn't do the right thing and would have laid awake nights worrying about him, but I think parenting isn't about doing the easy thing, it's about doing the right thing.

I bailed the same kid out of jail once when he was much younger - I told him I'd only do it once and the next time that happened I let him sit until he could get out under his own power, which took about three weeks.

I think my children know that I love them but that I expect them to do the best they can to resolve their issues. Sometimes their best isn't very good, just like sometimes *my* best isn't very good - but if they've done their best and still need Mom and Dad we'll always be there for them.

But - we are *not* required to make it easy

 

[canoeist]

I have a 19 year old that sounds a lot the same. He can't look for a job because he might miss a text message from his gf. I feel for you BH.

 

[keyzygirl]

Stop buying any food that he would LIKE to eat.Wake him at 6am everyday.Give him a daily list of chores to earn his keep.Do not give him any cash at all and ask him 20 times a day if he has found a job yet.

 

[drIpping&driving]

Just give him an ultimatum and stick with it. If the time comes to kick him out do it. He'll land on his feet. I did...even though it was difficult.

 

[LadyLynx]

Find a rental agreement online and sit him down, and have him sign it. Explain that it makes him financially and legally responsible to pay rent and utilities. Set out an amount that he will owe you every month, as well as a security deposit. If he doesn't pay on time, charge intrest. I imagine he probably won't want to or be able to pay it, so continue to wrack up the bills until you tell him that you will A) take him to court for costs or B) he can move out and find another place to live. This may sound really harsh, but sounds like he needs a tough life lesson on survival.

I worked nights as a janitor, went to school during the day and lived in a one bedroom slum with 2 other roommates as a young adult to make ends meet, albeit barely. Survival is a lesson best learned early , rather than later. I'm sorry you are going through this, I have much sympathy.

 

[flbutterfly1]

AS for kids my oldest is only 16 so no moving out yet. I did have a family with 3 kids come from minnesota and stay with us here in florida after 2 mos of the man getting a really good job and still would not help pay rent or any light bills and their awful kids puncturing my waterbed, breaking my washer, putting a hole in the closet door, deflating my 6,000 gallon pool and many other things I had enough. They always had to turn the ac to 65 degrees because they were hot and don't get me started about all the bugs everywhere(we were lakefront)so.... I turned the ac off when they were at the store and told them it broke, opened all the doors and windows and sprayed my stash of mesquito repellant on my kids and sat back and waited for all hell to break loose haha the bugs, heat and humidity got to them in 2 short days. They waited till I went to the store moved out and stole half my silverware and dvd's but they were gone. a month later they went to sponge off of her sister back in minnesota. It was a real learning experience. I have also hid my internet from all the neighbors because they wanted to use it and were leaches, get your own. I went so far as to putting tin foil lined books and boxes around the router so the signal would not even reach their house because they tried to hack my network and steal my itunes library.

 

[mgaruccio]

I have a 19 year old that sounds a lot the same. He can't look for a job because he might miss a text message from his gf. I feel for you BH.

As a 20 year old this really confuses me, If I didn't have a job finding/keeping a GF would be near impossible, they cost even more than smoking!

oh and flbutterfly1 you really don't need to put a bunch of tin foil around your router to kill the signal, WPA2-PSK using 128 or 256 AES encryption(honestly TKIP works almost as good if you have older hardware) plus mac filtering will keep just about anyone out(the amount of time it would take to break with even an extremely high end computer is several lifetimes) no need to decrease your own performance to keep the neighbors out.

 

[stretchpants]

I just paid a visit to you last week in Appomattox Mr. Lee. You and a fella named Grant had some business there.

I have a 19 year old that sounds a lot the same. He can't look for a job because he might miss a text message from his gf. I feel for you BH.

 

[stretchpants]

I'm sorry. It's just impossible. They will never leave if you are feeding them.They are like stray cats.They are always at the doorstep.

 

[CathyfromOhio]

Be glad he's not a daughter dragging grandkids back with her!!!

 

[jj2]

My son is 35 and got laid off and moved back. He is a sweetie and has been a lot of help since DH was having medical problems. While unemployed, he had a list of things to do around the house. Yes, good ole chores.
Luckily he is back to work (for over a year now) but doesn't seem to be in any rush to move out, and now don't have much time to help out. Luckily he just got engaged but wedding won't be until next May so I got a few months to go.
But, even when he was unemployed, he paid rent and helped with the utilities and the groceries. I do wish the wife-to-be good luck since the going attitude these days is that we should do all for him on the home front.
Might be a good idea to make a to-do list---I'm sure he'll love cleaning the bathrooms.
And maybe it's time to set a move out date even if you don't stick to it when it comes around.