chit chat: That's it for me.Even though I ran into the next day,with my jokes.I missed to many day's of this one.I'll have to keep up with the next one.
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chit chat - Am I missing something? Isn't Friday midnight CDT 23 hours from now?
ETA: Or whenever, I'm in the west and don't count backwards very well.
EETA: Yeah, I'm working on my retirement investments...
ETA: Or whenever, I'm in the west and don't count backwards very well.
EETA: Yeah, I'm working on my retirement investments...
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I started numbering mine before midnight here and ran into the next day with them,so I'm done for my Friday entry's.I'm to tired to think.I need to get to bed.
#1
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
1.A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
1
Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox trying to send a voice-mail.
Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox trying to send a voice-mail.
2.
Mom's Brownies Recipe:
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting:
Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven
Mom's Brownies Recipe:
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting:
Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven
3.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir,I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulation on your new location.'''
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir,I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulation on your new location.'''
2)
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
Do you take children? the man asked.
No, sir, replied the clerk. Only cash and credit cards.
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.
Do you take children? the man asked.
No, sir, replied the clerk. Only cash and credit cards.
4.A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little johnny. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.
"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".
Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.
"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".
Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
3)
A wealthy ninety-nine years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.
The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!
Five years? Are you kidding? exclaims the old man. At my age, I dont even buy green bananas.
A wealthy ninety-nine years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.
The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!
Five years? Are you kidding? exclaims the old man. At my age, I dont even buy green bananas.
5.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joe Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is..’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’ ‘I can’t tell you, Father.. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joe, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later. So you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’ ‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’ ‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her..’ ‘Was it Maria Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’ ‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration ... ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you have sinned and have to atone. You may not sing in the choir for 4 months.
Now off you go’
Joe walks back to his pew. His friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joe Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is..’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’ ‘I can’t tell you, Father.. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joe, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later. So you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’ ‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’ ‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her..’ ‘Was it Maria Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’ ‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration ... ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you have sinned and have to atone. You may not sing in the choir for 4 months.
Now off you go’
Joe walks back to his pew. His friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
4)
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.
When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.
When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
Friday # 1
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
5)
After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.
Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"
Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."
Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.
Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"
Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."
Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Friday # 2
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
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