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[glassmanoak]

#3
There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright in the middle of the night
To find that his dream had come true.

Hey racehorse

 

[Racehorse]

#4
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

 

[glassmanoak]

#4
There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
It soon came to pass
He was covered with grass
But has all the tomatoes he needs

 

[glassmanoak]

#5

A bather whose clothing was strew
By winds that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I am wrong
You expect this line to be lewd

I'm caught in Limerick HELL!!

 

[Racehorse]

#5 Seems right for this week:

You know you are from Louisiana if...

...Every so often, you have waterfront property!

 

[mogium]

1)Monkey Organization
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but .... holes.

 

[mogium]

2)Jesus and the Robber
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

 

[mogium]

3)Living with the Wolf Man
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

 

[mogium]

4)
The Hunting Dog
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

 

[mogium]

5)Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

 

[Hillbillie]

As a hillbillie, it's my duty #1:

You might be a redneck if...

...a woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

 

[Hillbillie]

As a hillbillie, it's my duty #2:

You might be a redneck if...

...someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

 

[Hillbillie]

As a hillbillie, it's my duty #3:

You might be a redneck if...

...it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than it is to mow it.

 

[Hillbillie]

As a hillbillie, it's my duty #4:

You might be a redneck if...

...A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

 

[Hillbillie]

As a hillbillie, it's my duty #5:

You might be a redneck if...

...directions to your house include, "turn off paved road."

 

[jula]

#2 Rowing Your Boat Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!” To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.

 

[jula]

# 3 Knock knock Who's there? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur any better jokes on this site?

 

[Nosha]

#1

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull..... I gotta go home and .... the cat.

 

[Nosha]

#2

A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

[Nosha]

#3

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What�s wrong?"

"I just saw my wife and she was riding a bike!!!"