Laughter is the best medicine

[gthompson]

A man has an accident and needs a brain transplant. The family is all gathered around as the Doctor explains, "This is a very expensive operation and your insurance won't cover it".

Obviously concerned, the family asks, "How expensive is it"?

The Doctor says, "A male brain is $500,000, but a female brain is only $200,000".

All the male family members nod knowingly, obviously they all understand why this would be the case.

The man's wife isn't satisfied with this answer, "Why is a male brain so much more"?

The Doctor replies, "We have to discount the female brains, they're used".

 

[CarbonThief]

Ok this one is lifted from my favorite comedian, now deceased and the world is worse off for it , Mitch Hedberg:

So you know how if you go to a restaurant on a busy night, they put your name on a waiting list. When your name comes up, they call it out, "Dusfrene, party of two, Dusfrene, party of two..."

But if no one answers, they call it again, "Dusfrene, party of two..."

This time if no one answers, they just move on down the list, "Smith party of three, Smith party of three..."

Yeah, but what happened to the Dusfrenes'? How can you eat at a time like this, people are MISSING! That's selfish! You're going to sit and enjoy your dinner, and the Dusfrenes are tied up in a trunk somewhere, with duct tape! And they're HUNGRY! THAT'S A DOUBLE WHAMMY!

"Smith, SEARCH party of three...you can eat when you find the Dusfrene's."

 

[gthompson]

A guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big black bear in the tree in his front yard. He calls animal control asking for help. Shortly a truck pulls up to his house and an officer gets out carrying a shotgun and leading a vicious looking dog.

The guy greets the officer and asks, "How are you gonna get that bear out of my tree?"

The officer replies, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun and I'll climb the tree and shake the branches until the bear falls out. Then this specially trained dog here will grab the bear by the cojones and drag him into the truck."

The guy says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The officer says, "If I fall out of the tree before the bear, shoot the dog!"

 

[gthompson]

Guy walks into a bar and pulls a tiny grand piano out of his pocket. Then he pulls out a little guy about 10 inches tall who sits down and begins to play.

"Where'd ya get that?" bartender asks.

"I have a magic bottle; you rub it and get a wish," customer replies.

Customer agrees to let bartender try it, and pulls a grungy old whiskey bottle from his pocket. Bartender rubs it, and the room fills up with ducks, flying everywhere.

"I didn't wish for a million 'ducks'," says bartender.

"So, did you think I wished for a ten-inch pianist?" responds customer.

 

[XfooYen]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "Cancer".

This loosely reminds me of one of the funniest clips from the show "Life's Too Short". Liam Neeson's dry delivery is the funniest thing ever.

 

[speedydave]

We passed the time during the stadium power outage last night by passing around an iPad and watching this:

 

[scarf-ace]

An oldie but goodie.

Setting: a primary school in Germany.

Herr Schmidt is teaching the youngsters about clocks.

"This hand, it tells you the hour, this hand it tells you the minute. And the noise a clock makes is 'tick tock tick tock'.
Repeat after me children?"

The children obediently say in good Prussian unison, "Tick tock tick tock".

Herr Schmidt points at young Franz. "Franz, what noise does a clock make?"
"Tick tock tick tock".

"Very good Franz. Liesl, what noise does a clock make?"
"Tick tock tick tock"

"Very good. Helmut, what noise does a clock make?"
"Tick tick tick tick"

Herr Schmidt frowns. "What was that Helmut?"
"Tick tick tick tick".

Herr Schmidt narrows his eyes and leans forward.

"Helmut! We have ways to make you Tock".

 

[CarbonThief]

Another one by Hedberg, yeah audio/video is better for this, good call!

 

[Chakris]

Ok, An Irishman is walking down the street and passes a pub.....




HEY! It can happen!

 

[CarbonThief]

We passed the time during the stadium power outage last night by passing around an iPad and watching this:

I wish I could "like" this a few more times, first time watching it, man that's some funny s...!

 

[EddardinWinter]

One of my favorites...

 

[CarbonThief]

Indeed funny, and my favorite Kevin Smith movie, by far.

 

[gthompson]

I'll probably get in trouble for this

 

[scarf-ace]

Here's the trailer to D i c k, the film I mentioned the other day. Try and find it, it's worth your time

 

[EddardinWinter]

Three men were standing in line smoking their e-cigs and waiting to get into heaven one day. St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Very full here, young man, I can only let tragic deaths in. That nosy goody two-shoes Heavenly Fire Marshall says I gotta keep attendance down. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "My name is GT, and, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, today I came home early to try to catch her in the act. As I came into my 20th floor apartment, I could tell she had been up to no good, so I searched the place but I could not find the guy. Finally I went out to the balcony and there was this man hanging off the railing, 20 floors in the air. I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but he wouldn't let go! I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and went to work on his fingers. He couldn't stand that for long so he let go and fell, but even falling 20 stories, he landed on the bushes, stunned, but okay. Enraged, I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, squashing him dead. Ironically, all the stress and anger caused me to have a massive heart attack and I died right there on the balcony, in my moment of triumph."

"Good enough today, or any other day, that is quite a tale," said St. Peter, and he opened the gate.

The second man comes up and St. Peter explains to him that only tragic cases were permitted on order of the Heavenly Fire Marshall, a meddling wretch that was always taking pictures of everything!

"Get this, St. Peter. My name is Bronze. I live on the 21st floor of my apartment building, and each day I exercise outside on my balcony. This morning I tripped over my bust of George Washington and I fell over the edge. I got lucky and caught the railing of balcony on the floor below me. I couldn't hang on for too long, but then suddenly this man burst out on to the balcony. I thought I was saved, but then he started beating on me! Still, I held on. Then he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. I let go after a few hammer blows, but by some miracle I fell into the bushes below, shaken, but happy to be alive. I was grateful to be okay, but then this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, can you believe it?"

"I believe it completely," said St. Peter, and he opened the gate.

The third man came to the front of the line, and he was advised that there was limited availability. St. Peter explained that heaven was full and he did not want any more trouble with Dusty, the Heavenly Fire Marshall. "Even a dashing man with movie-star good looks like yourself will have to tell me a tragic tale to get into heaven today!" said St. Peter.

"I understand, St. Peter. My name is Edd" says the very handsome third man, "You will never believe this story, but here goes. My tall athletic blonde girlfriend's husband comes home early, so I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

 

[Robino1]

Bwahahahaha!!!

 

[amyc75]

That's a good one, Edd.

 

[EddardinWinter]

So there is this tall athletic blonde who was sick of blonde jokes and men assuming she had low intelligence. She decided that she would like to try life as a brunette. She schedules an appointment at her stylist and gets transformed and leaves the salon with flowing brown hair.

She then decides to take a road trip, and see how well her new look translated into respect from the people she meets. After a few hours on the road, she is forced to stop from a large troop of sheep crossing the road. She senses an opportunity to see if her life as a brunette can be different. So she drops her purse ‘accidentally’ and begins picking up her items to attract the interest of the shepherd. Sure enough, he walks over and assists her in recovering her belongings, but is quickly distracted by her tall athletic frame. While he is ogling her, she catches a glimpse of his count list for the herd, and a devious plan forms in her head.

She gives the shepherd a predatory look and asks, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" The shepherd agrees, thinking there is almost no chance she can get the number correctly.

"Your herd has 186 sheep," declares the woman triumphantly. She can see her plan has paid off, and her road ahead is clear and bright as a brunette.

The shepherd is surprised, but a bet is a bet, so he tells her to pick her sheep out of the herd and take it. She looks around for a while and picks one that she really likes. She picks it up to put it into the car, when the shepherd walked over to her and asks, "If I can guess your natural hair color, will you let me have my sheep back, m’am?"

The woman considers this for a moment. It seemed only fair to give him the same chance. She agrees thinking she is safely camouflaged by her brown locks. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

 

[Chakris]

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker chick."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[gthompson]

I forgot to mention this to everyone. The joke in the OP, about the brain transplant, Heather got it and laughed, Adam didn't get it and she had to explain it to him. Which I suppose proves the point of the joke.