January Contest $25.00 Gift Certificate

[dawnmarie]

$25.00 Gift Certificate!!Tell me a joke!! I will pick the winner on Feb 1,2018


Heres mine
Guy walks into bar, there a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks Bartender why there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. Batentender says, There is a running bet. If you can jump and hit the meat you get free drinks all night, But if you miss you have to buy everyone a round. Bartendar says you gonna give it a shot??
Guy says No.... the steaks are too high

 

[stols001]

Yay, I can go first. This was my favorite waiting tables joke for a long time, but I really only told it to customers I knew.... Or the ones who might have been complaining about a wait. It's slightly risqué, as a warning....

A couple goes into a restaurant, and they order their appetizers and the woman orders soup. The soup (and salad) are swiftly brought to the table and the couple is enjoying their appetizers when the lady drops her spoon on the floor. Before she can even attract the attention of the waiter, he appears and whips a spoon from his apron and places it on the table. "Wow," the lady says, "You are fast and great at your job."

They continue to watch him in action, as he enters and exits the bathroom far more rapidly than the other waiters. When he arrives to clear their table, the gentleman says to the waiter, "Wow, how did you get in and out of the bathroom so fast?"
"Oh," the waiter replies, "It's pretty easy actually, I've developed a method where I have a string attached to my fly, and that way I can not touch anything terrible then zip back up and I'm good to go, no need to wash my hands..."
The gentleman interrupts and says, "Yes, but what about removing your, well, how do you get it out?"
The waiter replies, "Well, usually I use my spoon...."

Sorry. It is still one of my favorite waiting table jokes though...

Anna

 

[tejas]

When ducks are flying south for the winter, and they're in the V formation, one side of the V is usually longer than the other. Why is that?

Spoiler: ANSWER

There's more ducks on that side

 

[westhc]

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the birdt, shakes him, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[diabolique]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

 

[westhc]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

 

[diabolique]

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 

[tejas]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.


Then it hit me.

 

[diabolique]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”

 

[westhc]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

 

[mac63]

A man in Ireland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell, they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Ireland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying
their own way!"

 

[diabolique]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"



He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

 

[mac63]

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this.

Then and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!

 

[liblue1]

 

[tejas]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.

They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

 

[liblue1]

 

[westhc]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

 

[liblue1]

 

[bwh79]

"The Tortoise and The Fox"

One day while out on a walk, a Tortoise happened upon a hungry fox looking out across a pond. "Hello fox!" the Tortoise said, "I know you are hungry, but please do not try to hurt me. If you do, I can simply hide inside my shell, and you will never get in."

"That is true, your shell is very strong" said the fox. "But can you hide from how ugly you look right now? You are so ugly man, it's just disgusting. You smelly old wrinkly raisin. I'm tired of looking at you."

The turtle was not prepared for this absolutely savage roast. He got clowned on for real. He really does look like a raisin, too.

 

[bwh79]

(...)

(...)

(...)

Oh, do we get more than one post? Ahem...

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, ......!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.