Random thoughts for the day.

[Nixsdaddy]

I just had to share this with everyone here... an email from my wife...


I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the %$#@ was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a .... from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ... everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away , in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get ...... off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

 

[TexasT]

These are good ones Nixdaddy and a lot of wisdom woven into them.

You had me laughing out loud and sharing these with my wife!

 

[samsmom]

Some New Year's Email Humor:

As we approach the beginning of another year -- I want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my .....


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.


If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with ........ will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet

 

[TexasT]

Loved it samsmom, absolutely loved it!

 

[chimney55]

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ... everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away , in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

(But I truly resemble the points above! Someone has been stalking me.)

 

[LordDavon]

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

(But I truly resemble the points above! Someone has been stalking me.)

OT----Chimney---where did you get that disco cow(emo)....I wanted to use it in an email to a friend and wanted to be sure I could use it.
wv

 

[chimney55]

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

I'm telling you, someone is stalking me!!!

 

[LordDavon]

Nixs: You've outdone yourself. I read them again and laughed just as hard as the first time. These are great!

Now, a little eye-candy for TexasT:

 

[mauisun]

the toilet thing was hysterical!!!
My father has been a doctor for forever and when i was a kid growing up in Hawaii he used to tell us all kinds of odd and hysterical medical and scientific facts that were both interseting and sometimes morbid. Don't even want to get started down that avenue

 

[samsmom]

Loved it samsmom, absolutely loved it!

OMG! Texas-T !! Your avatars never cease to amaze me!! Happy New Year! Love ya, mean it, and cool beans!!

 

[div]

OMG....these are way to funny. Great way to get my day going, laughing all the way.

 

[TexasT]

OMG! Texas-T !! Your avatars never cease to amaze me!! Happy New Year! Love ya, mean it, and cool beans!!

Well thank you for the compliment on the avatar samsmom. 5cardstud posted that and I stole it. But I love you tooooo and I mean it tooooo. I just love to be loved! Best thing in the world!

And LD, thanks for the dancing girl cow. Now that's a beaut!

Cool beans to everyone!

 

[mauisun]

somehow I can picture folks in texas taking their favorite cow for a ride

 

[chimney55]

somehow I can picture folks in texas taking their favorite cow for a ride

You don't think that they would make them walk or something, do ya??

 

[Nixsdaddy]

Sorry I haven't been online today, but I woke up quite sick this morning. I am glad you all enjoyed the post! Here's something for the guys. "The Man Rules"

These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1.. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1... Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we..

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1.. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight...

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[samsmom]

THE WOMAN RULES!!

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

 

[maureengill]

omg....I read this and laughed so hard I couldn't finish reading without adding to it....(IN ALL CAPS OF COURSE)

I just had to share this with everyone here... an email from my wife...


I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (NO COMMENT)

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
(LOL, ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...)

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (ONLY IF YOU DON'T ADMIT IT...)

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? (LOL....SEE PREVIOUS)

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. (I DID THAT IN READING WHEN I COULDN'T FIND AN E-CIG MEETING....UGH)

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (NICE TRY..NO NAPS ALLOWED)

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. (ROFL...I HOPE THIS DOESN'T MEEN NOTHING TOO...)

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. (TRUE )

There is a great need for sarcasm font. (NOPE...WE'D ALL USE IT AT WORK AND IT'D BECOME NORMAL)

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the %$#@ was going on when I first saw it. (LOL)

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. (DON'T WE DO THAT AT CONCERTS?)

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (IN A BIG PILE)

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (I PREFER TO STRENGTHEN MY OFF HAND...LEFT WITH THEM ALL)

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (WHO DOESN'T DO THAT ON A REGULAR BASIS??)

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text. (OR DRIPPING...)

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. (LOL)

Was learning cursive really necessary? (NO COMMENT)

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". (LOL...AGAIN)

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (I THOUGHT THAT WAS SMOKING???)

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. (UNLESS IT WAS C...)

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. (CUTE)

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". (UGH)

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? (TWO)

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a .... from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! ( )

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart. (LOL...THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY )

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (QUESTIONABLE...)

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (UNLESS YOU LOVED THAT PERSON)

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. (AGREED)

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS A polish THING....yes i am)

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (ESPECIALLY AT WORK)

Bad decisions make good stories (TRUTH FOR SURE)

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! (LOL)

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? (LOL)

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. (UGH)

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem.... (HAHAHAHA)

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (I WISH)

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. (NICE TRY)

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. (GET A CHAIR THAT DOESN'T DO THAT...)

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. (....NO COMMENT)

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. (STUPID FOOTBALL JERSEY)

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' (NOPE YOUR REAL FRIENDS WOULD LIKE THAT....)

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed. (OUCH)

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? (THEY WERE HOPING FOR VM)

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. (LOL)

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. (OUCH)

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. (LISTENING TO MINE RIGHT NOW....SCARY...but i still like it all...)

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... (IT'S 15 HERE...)

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. (OUCH...MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY ONE...BIKE...NOT CYCLE..)

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (NOT A GOOD SIGN)

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. (LOL)

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (NICE)

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. (LOL)

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. (I'M GOING TO COURT ON THE 11TH FOR THAT....THANKFULLY ENOUGH...WASN'T YOU )

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ... everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away , in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... (ISN'T THAT WHY THE ALARM CLOCK IS AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE AND ACROSS THE ROOM??? don't forget...it's also an hour fast....still)

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? (LOL)

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. (LOL)

I wonder if cops ever get ...... off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. (YES)

I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (MINE HAS ONE...)

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. (ESPECIALLY AROUND NEW YEARS EVE...)

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner. (SONS O' B**CHES)

SO I HATE TYPING IN ALL CAPS (DORK) AND IT WAS KILLING ME...BUT I HAD TO ADD TO THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR HAPPY 2011 EVERYONE....

 

[Nixsdaddy]

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil .....es.
Don't mess with them.

 

[uba egar320]

I awoke the other night to my dog licking it's .... very loudly at about 3 am. Before I could yell,"JOLENE, STOP IT!", she farted and scared herself. But then went right back to her business. I thought to myself,"Wow, now that's persistence", as I laughed and went back to bed. That's it, just thought I'd share.