kwalka;
I am sure that you are a wonderful Daddy and that your wife is an awesome Mom and I commend you both on your parenting skills and your involvement with your children - and that is a sincere compliment and it is NOT to be construed as sarcasm in any shape, form, or fashion. I also agree with you that if there were more families that had healthy relationships, (regardless of if they are married, or not), then the children that they raised would be much more likely to be healthy in mind, body, spirit, and emotion.
Having said that, however, I would like to point out that the vast majority of children, once they reach a certain age, (I refer to them as 'meanagers' - for good reason - once they pass beyond around age 13),
will rebel in some way against even the very best of parents. The kids do
not do this to just piss the parent off, nor do they do it to hurt the parent - they do it because they are trying to figure out who they are as individuals. They are becoming separate beings from their parents and are no longer our 'babies' and they
will have their own opinions and thoughts and those opinions and thoughts will generally not mirror their parents opinions and thoughts the vast majority of the time. And they will express those thoughts and opinions quite strongly - with much gusto - and, at times, they will express them quite offensively. They will pull away from you to some extent, (some to a great extent), and their friends will, sadly, become much more important to them, (for a time), than you, the parent are. And trust me, it hurts like Hell when this happens.
Sometimes, they will pull so far away from you for a time, that you may feel as if they actually hate you. In reality, they don't hate you - they just believe that you don't understand them. They will think parents just don't have a clue. And you know what? It will not matter to them that not so long ago you were their age too, so you understand,
precisely, what they are feeling and going
thru now. In those little hormone warped brains of theirs, only their friends "get them". You? Um, well, you will become rather superfluous at this point in their lives unless and until they need money, need a ride somewhere, or else there is something that they want from you enough to 'butter you up'. And this 'meanager' stage can last for several years and it sux - it really, really sux for us as parents because we see that we are losing our babies. They are becoming adults and they are stretching their wings and pushing boundaries - and this will hurt you many times over.
Eventually most of them will outgrow this stage and they will become the strong, well rounded individuals that you, as the parent, have laid the foundation for them to become. When THAT happens it will
then be the time for you to congratulate yourself on just how awesome of a Daddy you were - and how terrific of a Mom your wife was. Not before. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for terrible disappointment.
Right now, they are the clay and you are the potter. All you can do is try to shape and mold them by doing the very best possible job of parenting that you know how to do. And sadly, sometimes no matter how good of a parent you are, things just will not turn out as well with a child as you hoped for because kids just don't come with instruction manuals tattooed on their butts at birth.
And then, finally, there will come a time when they actually really do 'get it' and then they are not just paying you lip service and telling you what they
think that you want to hear. You can see it in their faces when they really do 'get it'. You will know by their demeanor when they really 'get it'. Most of all, you will know that they 'get it' because they will actually tell you that they now 'get it'. And you know what? Then they will actually thank you for being the awesome parent that they you were during their formative years.
For my kids, this 'getting it' always seemed to happen between ages 19 to 21. I will never forget when my eldest, Sissy, called me just sobbing her heart out shortly after she had moved out on her own and into her first apartment. "I am SO sorry I was such a rotten kid. I hurt you so many times and I see it now - and I am so, so sorry - will you forgive me for the all of the hurt that I caused you?" Of course, she had already been forgiven many times over for each hurt, or disappointment that she gave her Daddy and me over the years because that is what parents DO - they love unconditionally.......but I cannot express, in words, how wonderful it felt to know that she now truly 'got it'.
All the best to you,
~Tiger
Obviously My opinions of whats wrong with this world are not going to be everybodys opinions. I am being backed into a corner here where I am coming off as sounding like I think my wife and I are some kind of superheroes. That is certainly not my intention. WTS, my daughter, 12 the oldest knows how to read labels and make proper decisions when it comes to what to eat and not to eat. None of my kids are overweight, nevermind obese. Do we have a well balanced home? You betcha. Do we have obese kids? Nope. Are all 3 of my kids on the honor roll and the principal's list? Yep. Do teachers that do not know me come up to me at school functions when they see me with my kids and say " thank you, I wish there were more parents like you guys in this world"? This has happened at least 3 times in 4 years. I am a boy scout leader for my 2 oldest boys, my wife is my daughters girl scout leader, and we are quite the active, well balanced family. So, now that I'm finished telling you how great we are, dont you think if this country had more families like ours and a divorce rate lower than 80%, we would have less smokers, drug addicts, crime, etc?
You asked for it and there you go. I am proud of the fact that I can go 12 rounds about why my kids will never smoke.
