*New* Contest hosted by The Vapor Station: Best One Liner Joke

[somdcomputerguy]

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

[somdcomputerguy]

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

 

[diabolique]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

[diabolique]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ...?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

[diabolique]

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

 

[redrebel821]

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

 

[Foggy Road]

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

[Foggy Road]

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

 

[somdcomputerguy]

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

 

[diabolique]

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

 

[somdcomputerguy]

The bartender says…”We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

[bsidb]

How many south Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazillion

 

[diabolique]

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

 

[somdcomputerguy]

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

 

[somdcomputerguy]

I can handle pain until it hurts.

 

[eric]

These are good.

 

[r77r7r]

My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer.

 

[r77r7r]

Try this clearo, it never leaks

 

[r77r7r]

I wanted to thank you personally for the LIKE. That's why I'm in your house.

 

[redrebel821]

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.