Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[rege]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”

 

[tinyejp]

A fella walked into a bar with a beautiful, leggy blond on his arm and a tiny, 12" tall man on his shoulder. They sat down and the man asked the bartender for a beer for himself and a glass of wine for his lady. As soon as the drinks had been poured, the little man jumped down from his perch and kicked them over, then ran up the bar and kicked over the drinks of the other patrons seated there before hopping back up on the man's shoulder.
The bar roared with disdain, but the man raised his hands to calm them. "No problem, no problem, let me get a round for everyone!" He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a crisp, new $100 bill. The bartender took it and proceeded to get each patron a new drink.
No sooner had the last drop fallen than the miniature man jumped down, again upending each drink with a solid kick. On his way back, avoiding swats and jabs, he mooned an old lady and gave a priest the finger before hopping back up on the man's shoulder.
The bartender stood before the trio with a sour look on his face. "I hope you intend to pay for this mess, buddy," he said in a low growl.
"Of course, of course," said the man, reaching into his jacket pocket once, twice...and bringing out two fresh, crisp $100 bills. "This should cover it. Accept my apologies." He then hung his head, wrapped his arm around the girl and turned to leave.
"Hey," said a construction worker to his left. "Where'd you find that little jerk anyway?"

He turned. "Well, I was going through an apartment building I was renovating when I came across an old oil lamp. You know the type, like genies come in. I figured what the heck and gave it a rub. Sure enough, out popped a real genie! He offered me the customary wishes. First, I wished that everywhere I went, I would have a beautiful girl on my arm." He turned to gaze momentarily at the beautiful girl, with a small smile.
"Second," he continued, "I wished that each time I reached into my jacket pocket I would withdraw a crisp, new $100 bill." With that, he reached in and came away with another fresh green back. He handed it to the bartender. " A tip," he said.
The bartender nodded in thanks. "So what's with him?" he said, motioning to the small man who was now trying to light the man's hair on fire with some matches from the bar.
"Last of all," he said, shaking his head, "I wished for a twelve-inch ......"

 

[hushedpuppy]

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed.

Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again.

He looked at his ball then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"

 

[Friend of Atlas]

My 11-year-old son, the recently ordained 'boy scout', doesn't want to curse anymore. To him the word CRAP was a curse. He was trying a new substitute word to replace his using CRAP.
So one afternoon he came home from the drug/candy store and said very seriously, "Mom, I am so sick of all the CRACK the store is selling so can I go to the newstand instead?"
I said, "CRACK!! - how do you know about CRACK!!" He looked at me like what the hell are you talking about MOM - so then and there I had to explain why he SHOULD NOT USE CRACK as a substitute for CRAP (though I don't recommend using either for anything YUCK) - sort of reminded me of then time when I had to explain to hime why he should not use his middle finger to point at people (he was seven then).

 

[Friend of Atlas]

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)

 

[Elendil]

As a reminder----all contest threads are limited to 300 posts.

 

[smokum]

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bugger"

He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now piss off'!


VapeOn,
Greg

 

[smokum]

As a reminder----all contest threads are limited to 300 posts.

DANG !! totally missed that part.

 

[RippleInStillWater]

As a reminder----all contest threads are limited to 300 posts.

I thought so (as the contest junkie I am I know the rules) but I didn't want to narc them out!!!!!

 

[rege]

i knew it was only 300 posts but i really really want to win this awesome kit

 

[skydragon]

As a reminder----all contest threads are limited to 300 posts.

But.......but......my best jokes came after 300. lol. Actually I thought since it wasn't closed, it must still be going on.

 

[ddarklighter]

One last one:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

Best Irish joke of all time. Seriously.

 

[Bigham1]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[Sierra]

A female cop pulls over a drunk man. She tells him "Anything you say can and will be held against you in court". So the drunk man shouts "titties!".

<3 Sierra

 

[RippleInStillWater]

So what's up Danbob? Is this over?

 

[Lazerrred]

Great fun while it lasted. Or is it still going on.....Anyway, thanks for the opportunity.

 

[DivaB]

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

 

[DivaB]

Here is one from my son...
What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

 

[spacekitty]

As a reminder----all contest threads are limited to 300 posts.

Yes, and I wasn't keeping track... Darn!!

Just got another good one in my email this morning, too!!




This one's a FREEBIE:

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??


HELLOOOOOOOOO!


WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

 

[danbob987]

This contest is officially over, due to the thread hitting 300 posts. All jokes entered after this point (post 340) will not be included. The winner will be picked on Friday October, 29. Check back to see who wins!