Tell us a joke

[bobsyeruncle]

Simplified English
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With the formation of the European Union, the Commission had to settle on the official language of the EU. Here was the plan:

The Commission has decided that English should be the official language of the new European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf, 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Words to live by
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1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Try and try. If you don't succeed, then CHEAT
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way, you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is uncertain; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile. It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks the same as cold glass - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To err is human, to forgive is not a company policy.
28. The road to success .... is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think about it, neither does milk.
30. In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else!

 

[caffeinated]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

She replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick .......!"

 

[caffeinated]

I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today. Well, I assume she was poor - she only had $1.50 in her purse.

 

[caffeinated]

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

 

[caffeinated]

While canvassing our neighborhood the other day, the Red Cross came by the house and asked if we could help towards the floods in Louisiana. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose barely reaches the end of the driveway.

 

[jj2]

Are comics allowed?

 

[Elphaba13]

Tom and Jerry is ALWAYS allowed!

 

[jj2]

How about Garfield!

 

[caffeinated]

A pirate walks into a bar with a little, fuzzy white hat on his head. The bartender looks closer and can see that it’s actually a paper towel, carefully folded into a hat.

"Hey," says the bartender, "what’s with the paper towel hat?"

"Arr," replies the pirate, "there’s a Bounty on me head."

 

[mauisun]

A pirate walks into a bar with a little, fuzzy white hat on his head. The bartender looks closer and can see that it’s actually a paper towel, carefully folded into a hat.

"Hey," says the bartender, "what’s with the paper towel hat?"

"Arr," replies the pirate, "there’s a Bounty on me head."

Good one caffeinated!

 

[caffeinated]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

[jj2]

 

[caffeinated]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

[mauisun]

I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!

 

[caffeinated]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!” He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

 

[mauisun]

American Drugstores: Why do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. I don't know ask them.

 

[caffeinated]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to try and become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[hazmattack]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[caffeinated]

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ....?

A: A mechanic.