Request: Good Joke

[Mac]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny , we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while
the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep doo doo.

 

[Paraflier]

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

 

[sjohnson]

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine. 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

 

[Rosa]

Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

(o.k. that one only works if you know who Tori Spelling is..)

 

[Iamfoltzy]

So, this pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel for a ship hanging from his genitals.

The bartender asks, "Doesn't that hurt?"

The pirate replies, "Arr! It drives me nuts!"

 

[SilverBear]

Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

(o.k. that one only works if you know who Tori Spelling is..)

Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got, was when he was out in the field, plowing. One day when he was out in the field plowing, his wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."

 

[SilverBear]

Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

(o.k. that one only works if you know who Tori Spelling is..)

Alanis Morissette walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ......, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. Mother watches with a frown.

He goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[kyfatherof1]

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

 

[kyfatherof1]

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[kyfatherof1]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

 

[SilverBear]

Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

(o.k. that one only works if you know who Tori Spelling is..)

A Kabbalist walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

one more for today...

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

 

[Malfeitor]

Why did the chicken kill himself?

To get to the other side.

 

[SilverBear]

Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

(o.k. that one only works if you know who Tori Spelling is..)

A giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[kyfatherof1]

Obama is out jogging one morning and notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Johnny and says,

"What's in the box, kid?" Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Obama laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," says Little Johnny. "Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later, Obama is running with Biden and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. Obama says to Biden, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Johnny.

Obama says, "Look in the box Joe, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Joe what kind of kittens they are." Little Johnny replies, "They're Republican." "Whoa!" Obama says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "their eyes are open now."

 

[kyfatherof1]

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"

Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice".